Adventures in Rite Aid and Other Reasons Why I Never Want to Take My Kids Shopping Again

It's my own fault really. This morning Kaya had an appointment in Marshall and so I decided while we were over there it would be a good time to go to Rite Aid and K-Mart to get some shopping done. They were both having some great deals (especially when combined with coupons). Well, we got into Rite Aid and I went to get my list and coupons out of my purse and realized it wasn't there. I figured I must have left it in the car, so we traipsed back out to check. Nothing. Then I had a flash of memory and realized that both lists and coupons were sitting on the dining room table. And since most of my shopping needed those coupons, it made no sense to try to remember the lists and get the shopping done anyway. So I ended up just going home. Instead I planned to forgo a rare evening at home and drop Kalen and the boys off at scouts that evening and take the three youngest with me. Turns out, Kalen had an earlier committee meeting so he had to drive separately anyway (LOVE taking two cars places when gas is $4/ gallon don't you?).

Let me just preface this by saying, I'm not a bad mom.  Really.  And my kids are normally pretty good sometimes.  Once in awhile they even listen and take me seriously. But taking them all shopping, for whatever reason, has always led to disaster.

On the way to our destinations, I prepared the kids by threatening them with their very lives if they misbehaved. (We have had many adventures in Rite Aid, so I was bracing myself for the worst. Did I ever tell about the day that Kaya got ahold of a bottle of liquid dishsoap and squeezed a trail down 2 1/2 aisles before I realized what she had done??? I've decided coupon shopping is an activity best done without kids along...) I told them to stick close to me, not touch anything, and not to ask for anything!

It had been raining so we had to dodge puddles on our way in. Except Kaya who went out of her way to run through as many puddles as she could. We entered the store, pulled out a cart, put Kaya in so she couldn't run off, and began shopping. Two minutes later, nothing in the cart yet, Lynnsey began dancing in the aisle insisting that her (miniscule) bladder was about to burst. No, she did not go to the bathroom before we left even though I told her three times. She forgot. So we went to the pharmacy counter and asked if there was a bathroom we could use. Sensing a true emergency, the pharmacist directed us to the only bathrooms in the building, back past the employees only door and into an overcrowded storeroom. And by overcrowded, I mean that there were so many boxes stacked up that the bathroom door would only open about eight inches and you had to squeeze in sideways and turn your head just so to be able to fit through the opening, nearly losing an ear in the process. Of course, Lynnsey's emergency triggered the same for Spencer and Kaya.

Ten minutes later, and with still nothing in the cart, I resumed shopping. While perusing the shampoos to match up the right brand and size with my coupons, I noticed that Spencer and Lynnsey had disappeared. So much for sticking close to me.

And Kaya was trying to climb her way out of the cart. I told her to stay in and that it wasn't safe to stand up in the cart. I turned my head around for exactly four seconds when there was a massive crash. I whipped back around to find Kaya and the cart on the floor surrounded by the contents of an entire shelf of shampoo and conditioner. So much for not touching anything.

Once we decided she had no broken broken bones and there was no blood, I had to restock the shelves while Kaya disappeared to wherever Lynnsey and Spencer had gone. Ten minutes later, and with still nothing in my cart, I hunted down the kids who were trying out all the Pillow Pets a couple of aisles over. I dragged them all back with me to the shampoo aisle yelling at them in as quiet a voice as possible--is yell-muttering a word? Mutter-yelling? I finally found the shampoo and put it in the cart! Finally, after nearly thirty minutes in the store, we were shopping. I moved onto the next items while dragging the kids away from smacking the wind chimes, picking up every package of leftover Easter candy in the clearance bin, and getting Kaya away from the wine display just in the nick of time before she knocked that entire shelf over!

At long last, we were ready to check out. The kids busied themselves playing with the model cars while I got to deal with quite possibly the world's worst checker. As soon as he saw my coupons he let out a big sigh. He rang up the items and then the first coupon didn't scan. Even bigger sigh. And more of the same as he entered in the numbers by hand. Then another coupon gave him trouble and he muttered under his breath, "Can this take any longer?" The rest scanned okay and I paid for everything. Then he started bagging the items. When he got to my milk, he tried to put it in a bag with a box of cereal. I indicated that I didn't really need the milk in a bag, but he insisted. And split the bag. And huffed again. He actually tried to tie the bag closed as if I would be able to carry that to the car with three kids in tow, before he looked over at my kids who were now having a demolition derby with the model cars and I think he realized that would be impossible. Another huge sigh. He grabbed another bag and said, "Here, can you hold this so I can put your stuff in it?" So I took the empty bag and held it out while he lifted the broken bag with the cereal and milk into it. And split the bag. This time he acted like it was my fault that it tore and I was just laughing at the absurdity of this whole thing. Finally the third bag was the charm and we made our escape.

K-mart was next. I lectured the kids yet again about my expectations. Stay close, no touching anything, and no asking for anything (which oddly enough, was the one thing they didn't do in Rite Aid even when they were digging through the bins of Easter candy). Two minutes in, and Kaya was standing up in the cart again trying to climb out. (Neither of our carts this evening were equipped with a belt, which she can undo anyway, but it sometimes slows her down for awhile). Buying some jeans for Kendall and looking unsuccessfully for some new Sunday pants for Spencer (I've determined that there is not a store in existence who stocks his size anymore), Kaya spent the time trying to get out of the cart while Spencer was laying on the little shelf underneath the cart, and Lynnsey was gagging to be in the "yucky boy" section of the store. Then it was on to the shoe section to try to find some shoes for Kendall. While looking through things there, Kaya succeeded in getting out of the cart (without tipping it over at least), taking off her shoes and trying on every pair of rain boots she could get her hands on. (I suppose I should be grateful that it was just her shoes. Earlier today she got her shirt wet in the drinking fountain at City Hall and proceeded to take the whole thing off and run blissfully down the halls topless...)Once I was ready to move on, I told her to get her shoes back on and she responded by running under the clothes rack in the mens section. We dragged her back and I shoved her back in the cart with more threats. This time she believed me because she didn't get out again, although she's pretty good at mutter-yelling too and let me know that she was not happy about it.

Finally, after lots more touching of everything in sight, and lots more of Kaya telling me how mean I was and Spencer knocking first one box, then two and then three boxes of cereal off the shelves and insisting it wasn't him, and Lynnsey telling me every two minutes how much better she was behaving in this store, we made it to the checkout line. And that is where Spencer tried to sneak a bag of Skittles in with everything else. When I told him to put it back, he yelled, "Buy me some Skittles! I want Skittles! Please can I have Skittles?" And there it was. So much for not asking for anything