Lasts: Reflections on the Rapidly Passing Years of Childhood

Ever since I was a tiny girl, I wanted to be a mother. I played with dolls probably far longer than I should have. I mothered my younger siblings as much as they would let me. Other kids talked about wanting to be this or that when they grew up. I just wanted to get married and be a mommy.

Fast forward a few decades and here I am with the very life I wished for. With only one problem. It's going SO much faster than I ever thought it would. When my oldest son was born, I loved each new stage and recorded all of his "firsts" diligently in his baby book as I eagerly anticipated the next stage. With the rest of the kids, I celebrated all of those same milestones but was more content to enjoy the stage they were in because I had learned that time really does go by so quickly and I wasn't as eager to hurry through it. (Okay I admit, I did have occasional thoughts about how much more I was going to get done when all the kids were in school, with sleep being the number one priority).

But this last year or so as my oldest baby is approaching 14 and my youngest is all ready to be 2, I have been hit with thoughts of "lasts". This isn't a new idea. I've heard other mom's talk about it and even recently read a poem which I will share a portion of in just a second. But now that I seem to be fast leaving the young mommy stage and getting into some uncharted territory as the mother of a teenager, I've been struggling to figure out how I've missed all those lasts. When was the last time Taylor held my hand as we crossed the street? When did Kendall stop hugging me when I picked him up from school? And how did I not realize when the last time was that Lynnsey needed help writing her name? When did Spencer stop pronouncing it "Jesus wants me for a Hunbean?" And when was the last time that Kaya did "So Big" or some of those other adorable baby games? It's so interesting to me that we always notice the first time for everything but that the last time never gets noticed because we never know it's going to be the last time. It's a bit sad to me really. If I had known then that it was the very last time, maybe I would have video taped it or taken a picture or just savored that very last moment like I should have.

I came across a poem in a book by Karen Kingsbury that totally sums up the way I've been feeling lately. This poem has also been adapted into a sweet little children's book as well called "Let Me Hold You Longer". Anyway I won't quote the whole poem here but just enough that you get the idea:

"Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts
First smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away and leave to me your past.
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts.

The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips...
Last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip...
Last time when you had a binky stuck inside your mouth...
The last time that you crawled across the floor of this old house.

Last time when you ran to me, still small enough to hold,
Last time when you said you'd marry me when you grew old.
Precious, simple moments and bright flashes from the past,
Would I have held you longer if I'd known they were the last?"

Anyway, it kind of goes through this little boy's life from birth to marriage and is just such a poignant little poem that has made me think of all the "lasts" while some of my kids are still little. I'm trying harder to appreciate each day even when it can be difficult.

What I hope most is that I'm not missing the lasts because I'm too busy worrying about the extra stuff like housecleaning and laundry and dishes and all that stuff that I don't want to do anyway.

Sister Marjorie Hinckley, said of motherhood: "The trick is to enjoy it. Don't wish away your days of caring for young children. This is your great day. Sometimes we get so caught up in the physical work and trivia that we forget the big picture. We forget whose children they really are. When the house is filled with children, noise and teasing and laughter, you get the feeling this is forever. Before you know it they will be gone...Our children grow so quickly out of our reach."

There are days where I really don't enjoy this job because it seems the demands are overwhelming. But now as I'm looking at my baby boy all ready to go to high school and only a few short years from leaving home, I am getting how precious these few short years really are. So my goal is to let the dishes sit in the sink for a few extra hours and to not be looking around at all the clutter while I should be focused on playing with a child and her Barbies or his puzzle. I hope I can do better about dropping the trivial things when my children need me. And I hope that I can enjoy those small moments with my children just in case it ends up being the last time.
Kendall gave a Mother's Day talk in Sacrament meeting today (the first speaker in our brand new very own building by the way!) and he told a cute story of a little boy who wanted to play soccer but his big brother didn't want to and his younger siblings were playing something else and his busy dad was still at work. So the little boy asked his mom to play even though he knew she had a very long to-do list. But she said yes and they went out and had a great time playing together and spending that time together. And then Kendall said: "That little boy was me." Of course, I knew it was and I remember that day well. Probably because so much of the time I do tell the kids "in just a minute" or "I can't right now." But that day, for whatever reason I did drop what I was doing. I just didn't know what an impact it had on Kendall and I was so touched that it had meant so much to him. I need to do better at creating more of those memories with all of my children.

I love being a mother. It is a huge privelege and I know that in spite of all the lasts that seem to be piling up, I still have years and years of firsts left to enjoy. I am looking forward to those years. But I'm sure part of me will still glance backward once in awhile and wonder how in the world the time has gone by so quickly.

Happy Mother's day to all the "mothers" in my life. To my own mom, to my mother-in-law, to my sisters and sisters-in-law, to my friends, to my teachers and leaders, to the mother's who haven't been blessed with their own children but are sometimes the greatest examples of mothering, to my grandmothers, and visiting teachers, to aunts and cousins, and to the moms I see at the playground or at school that I don't even know...you get the idea. My life has been influenced by so many women and I know I am a better person because of the examples of so many fabulous women. Thank you for your love and influence. I hope you all have a wonderful day.